The holiday break is such a weird time. It's busy with connecting with friends (who you probably haven't talked to in a while) and seeing lots of family. Though it's one of my favourite times of year because I get to see those who I've missed, I've also noticed it's different this year.
I left Ottawa on the 13th and spent the (very long) day on the train. When I arrived back home, I felt so tired and displaced. Returning home was overwhelming as my room was a mess and I felt weirdly emotional sitting in my childhood bedroom. Why is it that a place that I call home doesn't feel like it anymore? I was very grateful that evening that I was able to see friends that I had missed for months, but the next morning, when the house was quiet and still, I realized how unbalanced I felt. I sat on my bed and stared at the messy expanse of my room and begun to panic as my clothes were spilling out of my suitcase and I had nicknacks scattered all over my desk. Since leaving school for the break, I had felt so out of my element and the only way to control it was to control what I could around me. That evening, it felt so grounding to clean my room (maybe because it actually meant I could see all of the floor lol). For some reason, I find that clean space makes me think clearer.
When I came home, I still had two online exams until the 19th. I had spent a fair amount of time at home studying for them and when I finished, I felt so peaceful for the evening. It wasn't until the next day where I felt suddenly lost. What what I supposed to do when I was by myself and didn't have school work? I was asked the other day what my hobbies were and I nearly couldn't answer the question. How have I changed so much? The issue was as soon as I had come home after being with friends or family, I felt disorientated. So, I've been trying to full my schedule as much as possible. If I'm as busy as I can be, I won't feel so lost.
But, what happens when others are busy? What happens when I have no other option but to spend the morning by myself? Navigating that has been weirdly difficult. Usually, I highly value my alone time and make sure I have balance between spending time with others and time just by myself. But recently, I've been trying to keep myself so busy to the point where I barely have any moments by myself. Being too busy means I don't actually have the time to sit with my thoughts and realize deep down how uneasy I feel (sounds dramatic, I know). In addition, I have realized that any free time I have is usually spent in front of a screen, and all of that time adds up. I've become more aware that this is something that I don't want to be doing all of the time and have been making an effort to be on my phone less as spending too much time on my phone always puts my brain in a funk. That means that I have tried to pick up past hobbies that were dropped with the time demand that came with the change of university at the start of the fall. So, I've begun crocheting again and I even made a few sketches for gifts. I didn't know how much I missed these simple activities.
Even writing this now, my family is not home and it's too early to hangout with friends. When I realized this a few minutes ago, I felt a bit of panic. God, how was I going to be alone for a few hours? If the person I was a few months ago heard this, I would probably laugh because I used to spend so much of my free time alone as I was constantly around people in high school and needed the break from being social. Now, I feel as though I've adjusted to constantly being around people at university and feel weird spending time by myself. So, whenever I come home from school and have alone time, I'm suddenly an anxious mess. It's almost as if the quietness makes my heart beat faster and my mind work in over time. I've been making an effort to try and change this feeling by doing stuff like this. It amazes me that even by writing this in the past few minutes my mood has improved.
I was talking with my mom the other night about how I feel purposeless without some form of structure (like work or school). When I finsihed my exam and the next day had so much free time, I panicked. What do I do for a full day? How do I find purpose in myself (I sound suffocating, I KNOW)? I find it very difficult to learn how to entertain myself when I have no schedule. For me, one of the benefits of school is it provides me with a schedule and a feeling of achievement. So, I've been trying to find ways in my day to day to have things to look forward to while also keeping my mind busy with hobbies that make me feel happy and accomplished.
God, you'd think that the holiday break would be a bit easier than this.
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