Send me to the sea
"'Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned"
A year ago today was May 9, 2022 and I was probably at work right now. I think a part of me will always long for the person who I was a year ago. I was in my last year of high school and I had (still do) an amazing group of friends, a wonderful job and I drove my car to school, a concert of music always blasting wherever I went. Around this time last year, the weather was starting to warm up and the taste of a sweet summer was on my tongue and I was restless.
I think last summer has been one of the best summers of my life and I fail to never think of it an ungodly amount throughout each day. Even today I thought about it a few times. I was working two jobs and running off of little sleep every night so I could work, run around with my friends and see my then boyfriend. I think last summer was so special for me because it felt like a whole new world. It was the first summer that I was able to drive by myself, which, if you live in a small town or a rural area, the keys to a car are literally keys to freedom and independence. It was also the first summer that I had with my close friends. We had only gotten close as a group in the fall of grade 12, so that summer was a new experience with new people. I had also just gotten with my first boyfriend and that was fun and lovely, but all good things must end.
All good things must end! Shit.
"Everything you lose is a step you take"
Flash back to last fall, the first few weeks of the school term ate away at me until it felt like I was scattered in little bits on my dorm floor. An intestine drooped across the carpet, a leg laid across my desk. I was realizing that everything had changed and I think that moment made me panic more than the actual change. I was always thinking: how am I still physically the same person but everything is different? If there was one period in my life that I would never relive, it would be my first term.
I was dealing with so much change that I felt as if I was in a constant state of paralysis. Firstly, I had moved 5 hours away from home and was trying to manage the ins and outs of first year university. I think that the panic that I had felt from the change of being away from all of the close and valued people in my life prevented me from being able to meet new people. I was not used to being away from my close friends, especially the few that I had spent most days seeing for the 2 years prior. I had also noticed a change between my then partner and I's relationship, which made me feel incredibly anxious and lonely. I was left tired and confused, I was left crying (cue Forever & Always by Taylor Swift). The cycle kept going until I was pedaling on this bike so fast that you couldn't even see my feet move. My mind was moving so dangerously quick that I felt like I couldn't do anything. How was I the same person from that sweet summer?
I believe deep down that a person doesn't change their core values or core personality traits, and I know that many parts of me are the same, but I feel so different from the person who I was a year ago. I miss her but I know the good parts of her are still hidden in my skin and words.
First year was really rough. I felt like I had missed out on making friends at the start of the term because I was constantly in a state of fight-or-flight and my mind was my devil. I was coming home a lot to see friends and my then partner, which, at the time, was good for me, but, I now wish I cut things off and focused more on myself and my life in Ottawa. Then, when the summer months drifted away, the hole was slowly filled by seasonal depression. I found this very tricky to navigate with being so far from home and my mom received an endless amount of tear-filled phone calls from me curled up in my dorm. These continued for months, at an increased amount when my boyfriend and I split at the end of October. Fuuuuun times.
When I came back for the winter break, I started working on my blog again to hopefully provide myself with structure and a passion. This is why I still do this now. But when I write now, it's because it's still a main focus, but also an addition to my life. Like everything in life, winter break had its pros and cons. The pros were that I was able to see my close hometown friends and spend lazy afternoons with them. Because I was home for nearly a month, I had the time to see friends that I wasn't able to see when I was only home for the weekend during the earlier months of the term. Another pro was being able to see more family and to have more time to connect with extended family. The cons of winter break included sleeping in my childhood bedroom, which I felt like I outgrew. Weirdly, it made me feel more lonely. I had also involved myself with seeing some friends that actually caused more anxiety in my life. Present me has learned a lot from that one. In general, I struggle with no structure in my life (school, work), so I felt a little lost. I was a ghost wandering in my own home and my home town.
"So make the friendship bracelets"
[Insert a stupid quote from your parents saying that the second term of first year is when things get better]. Similarly to my first term, second term also felt like I was being hit by a truck every morning that I woke up. I was being Regina George-d 24/7! Ew! Over the winter break, I applied to transfer to Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo for my second year. When I later accepted my transfer in February, it felt right at the time. This was because I was still unhappy at UOttawa and this felt like it could be a start of new beginnings and positive changes. During this time, I was still struggling and the weather was kicking my butt. The months passed by quickly but the days moved so deeply and slowly.
I had met some great friends when I was at university during the first term and first half of the second term. I knew a close friend from home who lived down the hall from me (for the first term), I lucked out with my roommate, met a few close friends at the dining hall and shared an endless number of dinners and even met one of my close friends on the train. But for some reason, I still felt like a mess. It never felt like enough. And I know now, that if I was placed in my position at the start of the second term, I think I would be okay with it. I think now that I'm in a better place, I could've made it work. Everything looks different in hindsight.
I started to actually like school when I was consistent with who I hungout with. The previously mentioned friendships filled my emotional cup, but a few key drops were missing. My cup was overflowing with love when I met two new friends that provided the consistency and emotional fulfillment that were trapped in the few, desperately needed droplets. I finally had close friends from my residence who I had almost all meals with and connected on a level which I only felt belonged to my hometown friends.
"Take the moment and taste it"
After these new connections, a funny thing happened. I was suddenly questioning my decision with switching schools. This uncertainty was heightened when the good weather rolled into Ontario for a few days in late April. I was riding the high of new and blossoming female friendships while under the sun in a city that had been frozen and was thawing into smiles with friends over studying outside and laughing during the evenings on Tabaret Lawn. The sudden switch into happiness made me panic as I tried to stay present. In moments, I was not thinking of how lovely it was to experience the joy, but rather how I was scared that I was giving this away. It was the same strain that I felt last summer with my partner and friends. In late August, I was a mess as I could never enjoy a peaceful moment. My tears were made of fear as I knew all the good was going to be gone. How can I enjoy anything when all I longed for was right in front of me, but would leave so soon? I was grieving something that had not happened yet.
"You've got no reason to be afraid"
Now, I'm back home and I changed my bedroom and will start work soon. The change to living back at home was weird and the dynamic is different. I love being at home with friends and family, but I also miss the friends from school and the city. I'm excited to go back to UOttawa in the fall (not Laurier) because I know things will be different. I've seen the city in a state of thaw and I think that I can make that happen in my life, even when the city is frozen over. Things are different now and I can't wait to go back. I'm signing a lease and living with a close friend and her two friends (there just happened to be an open room and it's an amazing set up). I'm getting back into a routine with balancing seeing friends, learning how to spend time by myself again (and learning to enjoy it and not just do it). I'm learning to focus on myself and not the ideas that swim in my head. I'm learning to let go of things from a while ago (like not messaging my ex this summer lol no no) and that it's okay to grow from last summer. Because last summer was last summer and nothing is the same. Nothing is ever the same and the only thing constant is change.
"You're on your own kid"
Throughout this whole experience, I have learned that change and I are not good friends. But, I have learned an even more important key to my life and every life; change is the only consistent thing. Ever. These changes can be as little as changing the layout of your bedroom or changing the flowers on the counter to meeting/leaving people. Change happens everyday and the only thing that could stop this is if time itself stopped. And I know that this is not going to happen anytime soon so I'm trying to change how I think and approach new changes. It's so uncomfortable, but I've also dealt with a lot of anxiety-inducing situations and experiences in the last few months. It's just how it goes I guess.
"You always have been"
I've learned that I have people in my life that support me, but the only constant thing in life is my own presence and my ability to show up for myself. I was dealt a difficult card last year and earlier this year, but I worked with it and now I am who I am because of it. I've learned that I need to work on being content with just myself again. I'm the only constant thing in my life and I'm trying to learn how to love that and letting go of the rest.
Between all of this, I also read Dolly Alderton's Everything I Know About Love and a lot clicked in my mind after that. I will be rereading it during my next crisis.
Thank you dearly for sticking to the end of this incredibly personal piece.
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