I'm Not Sitting In The Library On A Friday Night (A Recap and Crisis)

 Journal Entry 3

    My first Friday night of my second year at university is spent growing bored as soon as I open up my computer and instead, doing this. Writing to you. Writing to your neighbour. The half drank coffee is fading from me and I feel myself fading and I pinch the skin just below my eyes. 

    I'm writing to no one. Maybe a few friends. I know a few who will read this for sure. 

    I like to rely on this thing (my blog, writing) when I feel like I could be more. Do you ever feel like you could be more? Based on my life experiences and the one's of my peers, I think you know what I'm failing to explain. I opened this tab to write this to you (maybe even to your pet fish) and even though this is my backup activity when my brain feels a little too much, sometimes I can't even write. God, she wants to write for a career and she can't even write her own feelings? 

    Is this when I should be looking at the UOttawa website on how to change my major? I feel like that's something I need to feel every once and a while to truly be a university student. 

    It's a friday night and I'm in the library having a crisis about the one thing I've been sure of my whole life. Am I the life of the party or what? 

    I don't want to change my majors but I do wish that my writing came easier to me. I know my ideas and the words that I have put on this website in the past are my own words, but I think I become someone else when I write. When I write, I'm not sitting in the library on a Friday night but rather, I'm in British Columbia in the middle of nowhere and it's early in the morning and I'm burning my tongue on a latte. I'm not sitting in the library on a Friday night but rather, I'm in the Lake District in England and it's so cold and my fingers freeze when I write but my skin feels so alive. I'm not sitting in the library on a Friday night but rather, I'm not even here. I'm encompassed in this white glow and I don't even feel human. When I write, I feel beyond being me. I hope you've felt this before. 

    Everytime I write, I want to do better. I want to be more. This is heavily reflected in my drafts section that I can access when I scroll on my side of my website. It's filled with bursts of energy; a random page is made and it's so niche that I won't ever finish it so the paragraph is left to decompose. It's symbolic of myself in that moment; its a part of me that is left to die. Rot away. It's a sign that I felt alive for a moment. I know I won't return to it but I wonder if I'll ever delete it. Does this ever happen to you, too? 

    When I finished my first year, one of my goals was to complete and publish one piece of work a week. No matter what it was (as you can tell by now, there is no theme to these entries), it just had to be something. If you've kept up, you might have noticed that I didn't reach this goal. 

    That's okay. It happens. 

    So, here are some good things that have happened to me. Life can be so fucking heavy all the fucking time so let's worry about all of that later and give ourselves some piece of mind for a few more moments. Let's lean into the peace that I'm feeling of writing this when the left tab that is open on my computer is ready for my international relations class that I spent so long reading today. Who decided that just because students are in university, there should be bigger words in readings? I say this as I want to become a writer so this is a little silly. To give this reading credit, the writing is amazing and I'm more interested in it than explaining the difference between idealists and realists when it comes to international relations. 

    OKAY LET'S REGROUP HERE!

    I've been living at my new place for almost a week and I feel like one of the luckiest people around here. My room is so cozy thanks to the help of my dad and the vanity I fixed up. My room is a reflection of me; there are stuffed animals that my family gave me and it sits on a shelf that Abby Ferg gifted me. The lamp that is behind my bed is from the cottage and my record player stand is made by my dad and matches the shelves he gave me. My hat from the Lost and Found hangs on my hanger near the door and my chair sits in the corner of my room. 

    My walk is a block and a half and then over a footbridge that stands tall above the canal. Love is found everywhere; even in the locks on the bridge that will grow rusty in a few years from rain and snow. A few more paces and I'm on campus. It's very lively right now and I try to look up and enjoy it a little more. 

    My roommates are very kind people and last night we had a small party with a few friends. It made me even more excited for this year as I was able to meet so many new people, even my neighbours. I hope we host more of those nights. 

    I went on a trip at the start of August and I was the luckiest person alive, no doubt at all. I was able to go with Lily, which felt very full circle as we used to make dance routines to Katy Perry on her trampoline after school. I got so sleep deprived that I got lost and wandered around London for 40 minutes before finding Lily's sister's apartment and was greeted by Lily at the front door looking a tad bit confused. We went out, slept a lot, went to a market almost every other day and enjoyed each other. Lily is one of those people that you can spend an endless amount of time with and not want to bang your head against the wall (that's a compliment). We drank during the day and wandered Hackey and then flew to Amsterdam for a few days and did what you do in Amsterdam. LOL. We got lost at night but still got ice cream before bed. I stayed in a hostel for the first time and I loved it and I loved every fucking second of Amsterdam. 

    Did you know that people actually live there? I was unaware. They don't live like how we do here. People take everything in and they live like how I write. How I want to write. They live the life of the white glow. Here, we are in the libraries. 

    We flew back to London and then had a few more days there (glorious) and then came home and I had one of the best showers of my life. It was my birthday that day and I was so out of it that I slept it off at the end of the day. 

    Lily and I had some good conversations during that trip. One of my favourites was the night before we left. It was a bit emotional and we were sitting on her sister's bed and it was as if we both knew that in a few hours (our flight home), we were going to be waking up from this dream. 

    "I know we have to sleep soon but I know as soon as I go to sleep, this will all be over."

    "We're going to have to return to the real world."

    "I have so much to do when I get home." Sighs and sad looks were shared. We both knew that returing home meant dealing with the changes that most face during the seasons of late-summer and early-fall. It was as if Lily and I had been thinking the same thoughts throughout the last few days of the trip. It was so bittersweet. I was so lucky to even be there in the first place, but that feeling has to fade. You must deal with challenges and change to feel grateful when experiencing good things. Life can't be a dream all of the time because then you'd get used to it and never feel lucky for what you have. 

    I stayed up a few minutes later than I should've that night because I hadn't dreamed in a while. 

       I celebrated my birthday with my family and later with friends at Madi and I's annual birthday party. The beer was cold and we danced on the back deck to country music. We ate black forest cake and sat out in the back and watched the stars. I've celebrated so many birthdays with these people and I wouldn't change it for much. For anything. 

(Featuring our 'brithday' sign)

    I made date squares and ate so many but god, I'll have one any hour of the day. 

    I had a work party with the cafe and we went to play with clay and made our own mugs and after, we went out for dinner. I'm so grateful that I got to work with an amazing female team and with one of my close friends. It was a special experience for sure. 

    We went to the country bar and I felt like I was in another universe. Too many cowboy hats and too little club music. Sorry I just can't get down to country music. But, I did appreciate when they played Picture to Burn. All that mattered was that I was dancing with my friends anyways. 

    We went to the Elora Brewing Company and joined the trivia night and actually won the first round. The flights were free and I bought some drinks on the way out. I've been saving them in the fridge ever since. 

    WE WENT TO THE RIVER! WE WENT TO THE RIVER!

    We said the now habitual 'good-byes' to my friends and family. It was a lot easier this year and I think that foreshadows the rest of the year. It doesn't mean I don't miss you, I will just enjoy seeing you more next time. Soon. In the meantime, read the letter I wrote to you and memorize a line or two for when you're feeling down. 

    August, thank you. You must have read my previous letter to you because this year was different. A simple 'thank you' will not suffice but, it will have to do. For now. 

♡

  Now that I'm done, I will become myself again and I'm now sitting in the library on a Friday night. I failed to write the way I wanted to but hey, I did it. I half assed it but that's better than nothing. Maybe tomorrow night I'll properly go out with friends and then Sunday I'll be in bed in the morning. Cheers to September; the month of when you have to become what is expected of you. 

    I think I'm going to make pumpkin loaf tomorrow. Have a slice! It's on me. 

    Edit: Actually I'm going to Abby's. If I try hard enough, the long words in my reading will make sense tomorrow.