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Trying To Be One Step Ahead

When did I become older than the kids on the playground?  

    Even though time is the same and the only thing that changes is the seasons and the number on your birthday cake, we (you, me, the people around us, the people who sell us things) like to section the year off in different categories. Naturally, you might be thinking the months of the year. Personally, my favourite month is July because it's hot and my brain is always off. Another way that we section the year and our time on the Earth off is by how we can restart ourselves. It's written in our New Year resolutions, in the start of the school year and the start of each season. 

    I'm now hitting a wall because I'm afraid of feeling behind this year. 

    As a student, there are many ways in this life that you can feel behind. Here is a list that I try not to think of too much:

  • Assignments
  • Readings (heavy emphasis on this)
  • Rent
  • Group projects
  • Texting friends back (I'm so sorry)
  • Seeing friends/reaching out
  • Volunteering
  • Involved in student clubs
  • Work
  • Laundry
  • Groceries 

    At the start of the school year, it feels like a fresh beginning. Last year, during the start of my first year at university, it felt like I had so much to learn and navigate before considering the things in the list above. I was more concerned about how to get to my class before I even thought about my readings. For some reason, I don't know what, last year I was thinking more about the general idea and concepts of university rather than the elements that actually made it up. But, this year, I feel different. In my first week, I was carefully reading each class's syllabus and considering each specific project and how many pages each reading has. I've learned my lesson about how essential readings and keeping them organized are. 


    As I write this, sitting at a cafe outside with my roommate, Dhanya, I just told her about what this piece will be about. It's actually a sunny day out and the neighbourhood we're in is especially lively. We laugh at people driving the little scooters and we become children as we admire the playground across the street. I'm snapped back into my 19 year old self as traffic is busy and my computer almost shuts off. How can I feel like that child swinging on the swing again? The swings were always my favourite part of the playground. I used to love when the big kids in elementary school would give us under-dogs (you push someone on the swing and then continue your push by running and pushing them high into the air until your on the other side of the swing) because it felt like you were going so high and could see so much. The kids pushing always felt so old (they were probably in grade 5) and now I can't believe that I'm older than them. I'm so much older than them. 


    "Dhanya, you know how as a student, specifically, you always feel a bit behind?"

    "Yes."

    "Like, even when I finish a reading or project or whatever it is, I don't feel at peace in the way I thought I would be? Like I don't enjoy it because I'm just thinking about the rest of the shit I have to do."

    "Yes. My parents once told me that as a student, I will always feel behind."

    "Damn."

    What a harsh feeling. Feeling behind is standing on the edge of something tall and almost falling over but regaining your balance and then someone just pushes you over. You don't even have time to feel the relief of not falling before actually falling. It's constantly feeling on edge before just falling all in. Falling down and down and then you're drowning in readings and you don't even know how to regain your footing. There are no roots to grab onto. Once you're behind, it's just a matter of time before you feel the pain of splatting at the bottom of the fall. 

    I'm trying hard not to fall this year. 

    I think so far I'm doing good but I feel as though it's too early to declare this fact. It's always when you say this that the fall happens the next week. The next day. The next hour. I'm trying not to do the "Oh shit that's due tonight?!"


    Will I ever feel one step ahead or am I made to always feel one step behind? Will I ever not be afraid of the possibility of falling? If I fall, will there be anything to grab onto? What if I pour all of my effort into trying and I'm pushed off twice as hard?

    I hope you don't fall this year. Cheers to regaining our balance and sanity. 

    I'm gonna swing on the swings when I leave the cafe. 


This Is Me Trying, Taylor Swift


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