Long Hours With Fear of No Time
I fear that the end of September has come upon me and I am living each day as the same person. We all live each day as the same person, but I'm becoming the one that I dread. The one that makes me dread October and the haunting of November. I think it's very timely that Halloween is right at the eve of October; November is truly the scariest time of year.
Do you ever notice how cloudy it is out? It's the only thing I see. It's like the clouds fall down and cover me fully and I'm lost in fog for the whole month.
I recognise this feeling that sits in the back of my brain for certain parts of the year, sometimes I wave to it. It crawls out and swallows me whole every time a routine develops. This is very hypocritical of me because I actually really enjoy routine. You see, I struggle without it. But, there is a large difference between feeling like you're living everyday the same as living a different life everyday. Too far one way and you'll become your textbook, only able to speak about readings and projects and too far the other and you can't understand when someone else talks about readings that your midterm is on in 3 days. I chose the textbook throughout the week.
I don't mind choosing the textbook when life gives me the chance to slam it shut and throw it under my bed until Monday. But, when October rolls around and the library gets a little more busy, I know this routine will be my new best friend until my train ride home in December. I know that I'll slowly become the same person all of the time, even weekends, until all I can speak are words from my readings. When I finally look out the window, there will be snow on the ground and I will have missed the changing colours of the trees. At that point, all I'll have thought about is exams and then my brain will make lists of Christmas gifts. I try to notice the trees more this year. I don't want to repeat last fall where I didn't see anything. I don't remember last fall. Maybe that's for the better.
I like my life. I like my life now and my new life. I'm still the same person but I have so many new things to tell you about. Sometimes I think about how I would've reacted if the person who I was a year ago could talk to me now.
"You'll actually really like it here." If I heard that last year I would laugh in my face. The current me would expect it.
I don't really want another life. I just like living a different one for a day or two every once and a while. Variety is good and keeps you on your toes.
I lived a different life last weekend. Last weekend started slow, tired and sleeping in. It was going for an easy walk to get coffee and to sit in a park and pet a cat being walked on a leash and laughing that the cat sniffed Dhanya's cat shoes. It was rushing into Byward and then going right back home, and still managing to be late. The train has been running so slow. That is my life, not the different one. When mundane things like that happen, when I'm standing on the train platform in Rideau mall with a crowd and the train takes 7 minutes and I know I'll have to run (I don't) when I get off the train, that is the realistic life.
The other life is on a random street in ChinaTown where there is live music and people live with such love. It was obvious in the way they danced in a carefree way with a friend's or family member's or lover's hand in theirs. Love was on that street in the way I felt such relief to recognise friends there. It was in the way I was so happy to be with the people I love and watching others dance with those who are important to them. Love was in the sunset that night and in the way Dhanya and I talked about our family's histories while hearing the music still blocks away.
And then it went on and we went to Pique and it was definitely a whole other life, but in the best way possible. I don't know how to explain it but there was so much going on and the best part was the dancing and the DJ.
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I've been feeling like I've been swallowed whole by that thing in the back of my mind. I wake up, tired, get ready the same and wear some variation of the same clothes and I go to class and then to the library and then focus and then feel restless and then I go home and have dinner and then either have a 7-10 class or attempt to study. And then I do it again for the next 4 days and then on the weekend I spend a bit longer getting ready and dress a little bit differently.
I have been feeling so restless recently. It mainly happens when I'm studying. I do mean physically restless, but also mentally restless. I can sit there and try to focus on my reading but I always get distracted by something bigger. Like today, I was sitting in the law library and there were so many people out and about! What were they doing? Where were they going? What were they thinking about?
And then that restless turns into the need to do something important, something creative or life changing. To start off my studying today, I found myself reading one of Lorde's (the artist) emails. It was for the celebration of 10 years since her first album and it had a hyperlink to a conversation between her and the producer who helped her on the career-breaking album. She talked about how it was a whole new world for her. And then I found myself in the library at 12:15pm wanting to change something like that. How can I change my life in the middle of a random weekday from the library? Do I just get up and leave? Leave like go to the airport with a no clothes on my back situation? Or do I just start walking up North? Or do I change my life by trying a little harder? Sometimes this (this silly little website that I love with all of my heart, that is a public viewing of my most inner thoughts and fears) is the only thing I care enough to put effort into. After these moments of crisis, the readings and school work always matter a little less (don't worry mom and dad, they still get done, somehow).
Living another life (or experiencing new things) is something I never realized could happen so quickly in the city. There is something about growing up in the country and going to highschool in a small town that makes living in the city so fresh. It's taking a big breath and gasping for it when you've been under water for a dangerous amount of time. I love walking around campus and knowing a few people, but I also love not knowing so many people. On the weekends, I become them. Like, maybe I become your sister. Does she like dancing to good DJs? Like, I mean the good ones. I feel like her and I would get along. I bet she dances like she doesn't fucking care. Have you realized that people care a little less here? Why do people care anyways? It gets in the way of the dance moves. Like, GOD MOVE and get over yourself! You'll like it much more. God, people at home care so much that they don't even live another life. Not even on Friday nights! They're always the same person; never even glitter on their eyelids on the weekends. TOO MUCH FOR THEM. Now, when I spent holidays and summers at home, I crave the city (LIFE) a little more each night.
It's euphoric! It's something else entirely.
It's something that is always being shared. It was shared to me when I chose this school and this city but also when I met new people. I have been able to experience so many new things with new friends like new events, music and stores. It's a game of telephone that is passed from person to person. I picked up this year and whisper my favourite secrets into the ear of another.
Now, it's Tuesday and I write to you from the law library again. This past weekend was homecoming and it was so interesting because it was a blend of both lives. They bleed into each other. I wear the same clothes that I do during the week; there isn't always a divide. I spent time with the same friends I hibernate in the library with. Homecoming was actually so fun and it felt like summer again. Madi visited! Summer was here! A breath of fresh air. It's been so hot out but I'm trying to bask in it. I'll blend my day by sitting outside for a while before I trap myself in a windowless classroom for my 7-10pm class. Gross.
I don't know why I'm thinking twice about posting this one. I usually don't think much when I do but I find I'm reading this one over a lot. Maybe it's the creeping up feeling of wanting to write forever and struggling to know when to let it go. I don't want to sound annoying or too obscure. I don't even think I realized what I was typing as I wrote this. Yet, maybe that's the best part.
Music on the Current Mix
- Mama's Boy, Dominic Fike (or that whole album, or anything Dominic Fike, loml)
- She Calls Me Back, Noah Kahan
- I Love Me After You, Mitski
- Pink Pony Club, Chappell Roan
- Guitar Romantic Search Adventure, Wallows
- Lacy, Olivia Rodrigo (again, that whole album)
- Francesca, Hozier
- Fallen Fruit, Lorde
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